Ramble, ramble, ramble

So I can’t connect to my internet

I’ve turned it off, turned it on, I’ve tried every password I can think of

I tried my best, I gave it my best shot, but let’s face it, technology wins

So, I sit here, at my desk, with the window open because it’s warm and the breeze is nice for the last day of February

I’ll just wait for my husband to wake up then he can deal with the machines in this house since he’s the one who likes to be completely connected and running 110% efficiency

I’m a little more laid back, some days, too laid back

Yes, I have a sink full of dishes and laundry that needs to be done and sorted, rooms to be cleaned and rearranged, carpet to be vacuumed, dusting to be done, and it’s the same thing, over and over and over and over everyday

The same clean up, pick up, fix up, perk up, spruce up, jerk up, fuck up, over and over.

But… it’s part of my job. I’m a mom but I’m also more than that; a referee, chauffeur, chef, maid, wife, accountant, cheerleader, backbone, funny bone, role model, and many more hats that I will acquire during my reign as parent and adult.

Yes, we will claim many hats in our lifetimes but some are more precious than others. Some I will hold more dear than others but I will love them all the same.

Being a parent and being a wife, so far have been my most challenging roles. Being a parent has it’s battles, mostly with myself, if I’m doing the right thing, should I laugh at that, where’s the balance between work and play, am I being too harsh, am I being too lax, are they falling behind, am I keeping up, will they still talk to me in a few years, are they lying to me, am I enough. Being a wife has been no different, am I supportive, am I doing my part, did I tell him I love him enough today, did I give him enough kisses, did I hug him enough, did I listen to him, does he need anything, is he struggling, is he hiding anything, where can I help him more, how can I help him more, are we getting enough “us” time, are we getting enough family time, are we still working together, what are our goals this week, what are our goals this month, and a plethora more.

Parenting, marriage, adulting, growing, raising, learning, evolving, discovering, planning, living, yes, all of this, every ounce of this. This is life.

I’ve spent so much of my life trying to live the way others thought I should when I should have been living for myself. When I became a parent, I lost a part of myself, but through the process of raising a tiny human, I gained a little bit of that back. It took a long time because I wouldn’t let myself think that I had a problem, I couldn’t handle what was given to me, there was no “Plan B” or “behind curtain number 3, there was just this life, this choice, this door, and I took it. Then the veil that had been over my eyes was lifted, it was lifted, burned and destroyed, and the fire that I had thought I lost years ago, had slowly risen from the embers and started a small fire. I had felt the spark, the fuzzy feeling in my heart, I found what I was supposed to do, how I was supposed to live, what should be leading my life, and I followed it. I’m still learning but baby steps will turn into flights of stairs and before I know it, I’ve walked around the world, but I won’t stop there. I’ll keep walking, Tiny step after tiny step, one new adventure after another.

What do I want to do with my life?

Simple…

I want to help people, I want to be the small window of joy in someone’s day. I want to be the reason someone may forget they are in pain. I want to be the reason someone smiles. I want to make people fall in love with words. I want to bring joy by sharing food and treats with people. I want to share the joy and love food and family brings. I want people to be kind, I want to be that example of kindness.

I know we can’t help everyone and being kind and joyful 100% of the time, I know, can be asking for much because sometimes our buttons just get pushed  no matter how hard we try to find the light and the good in situations. To be the little bit of change in the world, to make one little bright spot. That’s all I want to do. I want to be the joy…

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